Bad Boy

It's eight sleeps since my baby girl came to live under our roof, since I woke in the middle of the night imagining I could here her cries. After the third night she didn't cry, I'm blessed; blessed doesn't cover it really, if the pope were to touch me and say Lotty I'll give you three wishes (because that what he does doesn't he?) I'd say it's ok thanks I think I'm sorted.
Well maybe one; make it so my mum doesn't have terminal cancer please (and monster munch are good for you) But thats not an option is it, the bad boy is here to stay and as I learnt a while ago it not about the cancer it's about the life. It sounds such a cliche when your not going through it but the it's a life plan when you are, believe me. It's not about doing all the things you always wanted too, it's about enjoying the simple things, the things that cost nothing, the children's smiles, the hugs, laughing at the inappropriate farts in public, the moment you hug the person you love in a millisecond and you feel instant comfort while you can still hold them in your arms because whenever it is you know they will be gone forever. It sounds so fucking dramatic doesn't it, but my mum held me tonight before I came home, it was a real mum hug, a hug that said it ok, it's really ok Charlotte, when we know it isn't, but you really really believe it for that one moment and it's perfect.

I sat on the floor in a hospice today, holding my mum and dads hand while they both cried their hearts out and shared there deepest fears while a nurse sat next to my dad because he was so angry, so scared he couldn't help or make it better. Many many people go through this sadly, but until you see it first hand you can't explain it. To be honest I still cant, I always thought my mum was my strength but I now realise she gave me the strength to be who I am. A priceless gift, no need for a receipt, the nurse turned to my parents and said your daughter is amazing, she's got the strength, attitude and love to get you through this, there is a lot of love in this room. I looked to the window and wondered who she was speaking of, it can't be me. I feel as scared as a girl on her first day, at school with itchy new knickers. Somehow I find this power in me, stronger than the powers of grey skull to make me grip my parents hands and tell them, I am here and we will get through this and whatever you feel is normal, its a process, a journey and I'm here all the way.




I just re read my blurb, I sound like a misery, I'm not, If you met me in the street you'd think she's a happy soul. Yes, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I've got health problems of my own but I'm not unhappy, I'm sad, sad to my core sometimes, rarely, but as my wonderful mum says worse things happen to other people. I'm blessed, I have wonderful precious people around me in RL and on twitter; Lotty is a lucky lady indeed, that sounds perverse almost but I am. I'm been very very low these past few days because I have felt physically weak, but I can feel the strength coming back slowly like an outsider in the grand national.

Tomorrow is another day, just a normal weekend, I'm off to work, you'll all be getting up with the kids, be hungover, wishing for sunshine or doing a 'big shop.' All the ordinary wonderful things that's make life extraordinary. Whatever it is, however mundane ...do it with a smile please, it's lottys orders and if you don't? Well, you know what will happen, I will invite you all to dinner and let you experience my cooking first hand, then you'll be sorry!

Thanks for reading kids. You know I love you, but just that little bit more now xxxxxx

What A Difference A Day Makes

Well, today was the day that was, it was like winning the lottery without even buying a ticket ....we met our daughter. I have to say it again, our daughter, my daughter, I have a daughter. Please slap me, is this real? No go on pinch me, get the haddock and chuck it around me chops because Im beaming like an idiot, even now!

I've always wanted a daughter from being a little girl and now I'm lucky enough to have a daughter AND a son. Fuck me I'm welling up now. When I was I'm my 20s I was diagnosed with PCOS, my world fell apart, I grieved for what I thought was my god given right to have babies and looked forward to having a donkey sanctuary and a sleeping with a zillion cats. Look at me now, who'd have thought it Charlotte the northern arty bird, two kids, hubby a dog and a cat. Jesus it's bloody text book, well not quite I've never been normal, never intend to be. Adopting our children has been a long bumpy road, I have the bruises to prove it and everyone is worth it's painful scar.

We pulled up outside the foster caters house today and a little girl in a pink spotty dress greeted us with a smile, a beaming smile, one that will break hearts one day and a lil glint of mischief in her eye; without doubt I thought, that's my baby girl.
After a short while, she was running up to me, cuddling and kissing me, my heart beamed like the first sunshine of spring and I knew I was perfectly matched like a Laura Ashley window display. All my dreams were now complete and we are a four, I never thought I'd marry, let alone have children. I have and never have had any expectations of my life; that sounds sad doesn't it, it's really not, I always been easily pleased, if I was happy and had people around me who loved me who I could love and care for then I am a happy bunny. I feel like all the wonderful things that have happened to me in my life have been by default and today was the biggest shocker of all because blow me down with a hamsters sneeze I met my mini me.

I'm living proof dreams do come true and even when you think something will never ever happen, you turn a corner and everything looks familiar and you feel strangely at home in a new environment. I left the foster carers today with a beaming smile, I still have it, in light of my terrible year that has passed with my mum being terminally ill and in light of the darkness there is yet to come; my little forever night light of love is in the form of my baby girl.

I'm blessed not only to have children but for my secret dreams to come true, it doesn't matter what they are, have a dream because you might just wake up and realise it come true and your heart will feel like it's going to pop out your chest like in the alien film but without the goo, like mine does right now. Just a little tip though if you do feel like this, please make sure your not having a coronary as I can't be held responsible for any unfortunate incidents of dreaming by proxy.

Few do, but some of you know what a journey this has been, the highs and lows have been more stressful than anything I've ever known but we did it we're here. Over the next six days we see her every day, learn her routine, she comes to our house, she meets my son, we take her out, try not to drop her and remember to feed her and change her nappy. On day 7, golden day 7 it's placement day. She comes home, comes home to stay, I start to go loopy through sleep deprivation, my son gets furiously jealous, we live off ready meals, I fight with my husband over stupid things because of extreme tiredness, I forget to wash my face, barely remember my name and am only capable of holding a conversation with anyone under 5 years old. It sounds bloody brilliant doesn't it...bring it on life, I'm ready for ya and I will soak up every moment in my skin and soul and remember you forever.

Here's to my wee baby and the memories I can share with the people I love that will last a lifetime that I couldn't have dreamed of in my wildest dreams.

Thanks for reading kids xxxxx

Thank you

I'm still trying to suss out after all this time what the allure of twitter is, it's like the freshly made chocolate cake you just gotta dib your finger in, the hanging icicle that you just got to snap or for someone like me (with the mental age of a 4 year old) the puddle you just have to jump in.

I guess it's that time of year when everyone and myself included starts to think back on the year that has nearly ended. To be honest it's been the shittiest year of my life ever, period. My marriage was the the toughest ever, adoption social workers have played with my emotions like a alsatian chewing a bone. My father had a heart attack in front of me, my mums got terminal cancer and I've closed my business I spent 12 years building and 6 years training for.
Fucking hell, it's hardly the bloody Waltons is it? Truth is yes, its been a shitty year but we're all still standing so it's the fucking best yet. I don't care about my work, I care about people and I'd happily care for all of them forever if meant they stayed around for longer. Things in other areas are better and the most beautiful thing happened to me this year is that the man from Delmonte said yes Lotty you can have your baby girl and the adoption stork brings her in January. How cool is that, I still can't bloody believe it, I get to have a BABY GIRL, that, like wears pink and everything!!! That I can only dream I have the closeness like I have with my mother now. Shit a fucking breeze block! Miracles do bloody happen and they happen to me, who'd have thought it, little northern Lotty plodding along......BOOM ere you go love have a dream come true, apparently I'm allowed! I think that's what's called a result.

So where does twitter fit it? Well many ways and in many forms actually but the biggest is I've shared it all with you along the way, I've said this in blogs before; people use twitter for many different reasons, I use it to vent, to get stupid thoughts freed from my mind and to spit the gristle out when life being a bastard (it's been a bloody life saver this year) Hands up! I'm a pure 100% selfish twitter user, don't give a shit what people think, its the only area of my life its all about the lotty and I still bloody forget that people read my ramblings, as you all are now...you bloody idiots. A thing happened though I started giving a shit about you beautiful people and I bloody love that. I've been lucky enough to meet some of you folk this year and I happily call you real 3D friends now and you've even seen my limp, third nipple and squint and you still love me, fancy that.

I'm still a selfish twitter user and will happily continue to do be so, but some of you I genuinely want to speak too everyday. Your wonderings into my real life have been like finding a chocolate bar you forgot you had, a happy perk if you will.
I'm blessed to have met you and to have shared some very special and quite frankly 'thank god I'm wearing my Tena lady moments.' I've sometimes been sat in front of the screen with tears of laughter streaming....I love that, I am truly blessed. So thank you you beautiful people, for everything you have been, everything you are and everything you will be, your as freaky as fuck and at nutty as a snickers but I love you in all your wondrous ways twitter folk, here's to 2012 and this time next year when we're all still standing again, but just that little bit taller and wiser eh.

Love you guys and gals, you know who you are because I'm never afraid to say it. I'm like that in life with all my friends and family, if you love someone tell em because everyone wants to know they are loved and cared about. I guess that's the nail on the head, twitter you are now part of my real life and I embrace you like a bacon buttie when I'm hungover. Thank you for being there and making in a 140c my shitty year just that little bit bearable.

Mwah xxxxxx

By the way, I don't wear Tena lady so piss off!!!

Strength

It's nearly here, all the scans, all the hospitals over the past four months and it's looming forever closer. Tomorrow we go for a 'chemo talk' chemotherapy starts on Tuesday. My mum will go from being a strong woman to a weaker version of her once self but I know her strength will shine through as bright as the fireworks over the Thames on new years eve.
I'm a mini carbon copy of my mum, she's amazeballs, I knew that before all this shit but now I see it even more so everyday. We have the same attitude to life, the same silly ways, we both look at each other after a hottie walks past us, we always enjoy every special moment and usually the simplest things in life give us the most joy. We have the same eyes, the same obsession with handbags and the same silly giggle, we both put everyone else before us and it's only when our bodies give up we take a moment to ourselves.
What's scary is I have to be strong for both of them, since my dad had his heart attack 5 weeks ago, he's aged considerably. I've given up my business's to care for them both; no hesitation I'd do it forever if it means they live longer and see their grandchildren in their school plays and growing out of there shoes as quick as the hulk does.
So where is this strength? Its in there some where, sometimes I can feel it as strong as my sons hug first thing in the morning, sometimes it hides away like a lion at the back of the wardrobe to Narnia. I will find it day by day but I will also allow myself to be weak because I am human after all.

I know where the strength will come from it will come from her, just as she taught me not to pick my nose in public and to make sure my skirt isn't tucked in my knickers when I come out the loo, she taught me how to be strong, how to enjoy every precious moment you can while you can. I will get to live after this, she won't, she will live on in all of us; we all live on in our children and I am so so proud to be like her.
So however weak she will be I will be her strength, her light when it dark her smile when she is crying because I'm her and I learn't from the best. I'm the luckiest girl in the fucking world, bring it on you bad boy cancer, we've a few more memories and smiles to enjoy before you take her from us.

xxxxx

While I'm here, I just want to say a huge thank you to all my wonderful friends on twitter that are helping me though this shitty journey. I'm generally ok most of the time and twitter is my escape when all around me is crumbling. Your kind words, sillies and laughter help me through every single day. I know most people don't get twitter but those of us that do and are lucky enough to find true life long friends through it, know that the faith and the power of human kindness can be restored through a simple 140 characters. Thank you you beautiful people, you know who you are but a special thank you to puss flaps, you are my rock ;) xxx

Holding Hands

I love the cinema, actually I love going to the cinema on my own; some peoples idea of sticking a pin in your arm in the dark, but it's pure indulgence for me. I was a lucky girl tonight, tonight I went with my dear mum....if you read my blog you will know she has a nasty terminal thing growing in her begging with C. Yes that dirty bad boy, you wouldn't know looking at her she looks stunning,beaming almost, although Im just starting to notice the tiredness in her eyes; tiredness only a daughter would see.

We had a beautiful, poignant moment that upon describing sounds so dreadfully sad but on reflection was a moment I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life, rather like when I hold a bar of chocolate so tight in my hand if someone mentions the word share.
The scene, a mother a daughter sat together, mother dying of cancer, she was offered a job away but the daughter didn't want to go because her mum, the one and only mum we get was dying, she told her to go, live her life and she told her she was proud......me and mum were sat holding hands anyway..in-between shoving minstrels in our gob quicker than a whippet chasing a rabbit on speed. This moment in the film came, silence, no munching, we held hands, stoked fingers, squeezed each others hands tight, never moved, never looked at each other, tears streaming, the words saying what we were both feeling...then the mum in the film said "I'm not planning on dying yet." We both smiled, squeezed hands tighter and wiped the snot discreetly from our noses.

Sounds so sad doesn't it, it wasn't it was beautiful, truly beautiful, magical almost, made me realise what I already knew...this woman is my being, she has taught me so much; how to handle life, how to be strong, how to be a mother myself, how to not give a fuck what people think of you or what you look like, sing to a good song even if it's in a quite cinema (yeah we did that too) but most importantly how to love. How bloody lucky am I!

Go see the film 'The Help,' go on your own or take someone you love, breath it in like a good Vicks vapour rub, come out smiling then go dance in the street like no one is looking....you only live once right.

Thanks for reading lovelies xxx

My Heart

It's 3am, the day after the news my mums got in-operable liver cancer. I guess this is called reasonable insomnia, that's ok then; I officially have permission not to sleep and be as grumpy tomorrow as the hulks seamstress.

Half an hour ago I thought my heart was going to break, but my husband held me, and I cried real earthy tears of sadness from deep inside my heart and let them dry on my pillow while he rocked me like a baby. I felt great after, nowt like a good cry as my grandad always said, you'll pee less love.

Millions of people go through this, I'm/we are not special and I know that! I really do but as everything in life when it's happening to you and people you would die for are facing a short future of pain it grips your soul as tight as your child's hand holds yours on the first day of school.
I'm blessed, we all are, but I'm blessed in a way that my parents, particularly my mother taught me from an early age to live everyday life as if it could all end tomorrow, how fucking cool is that!
It's weird since the news yesterday you think about what you want to do with the person you have limited time, I can think of a few, not many because thankfully I've already done so many of them-that's like winning the lottery in my book.
One of my biggest sadnesses is that my mum won't spend a great deal of time with my baby girl, hopefully some, please fucking god some. I need there skin to touch, there souls to link, there smiles to share and there eyes to lock and I want my mum to push my baby on the swings. They will, I will make it happen as fast as I can!

The other sadness is the pain and weakness she is about to face, she's as tough as jockeys arse my mum and my inner strength has always come from her, I learnt from the best. We will fight the physical pain together and will look after her if it means I age 20 years in the next god knows how many months, I don't care. I can always Sellotape my wrinkles back because I'll be living and breathing and moaning about the price of fuel, she will be in the sky with my other beloved lost ones.

There's no happy to ending to terminal cancer, but the happiness comes from the life that you have already lived. I sat yesterday with my mum and dad, looking at the beautiful view from there house, all drinking whisky, all crying and my mum said she's had the most wonderful life, held my hand, held my dads, looked into his eyes and said that's because I've shared it with you and our beautiful children and grand children.
Heartbreaking, but probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever ever heard in all my life.....see life fucking rocks doesn't it. I'm not going to say all the cliches, but please do one thing when you've read this; go hug someone you love and cherish that moment. However long or short you get to hold them, kiss them, breathe them, feel them and love them because that memory will last a lifetime; however long or short that will be.

Thanks for reading kids, do get a tissue you look like shit xxxxxxx

Red Lipstick, Mothers, Daughters and Three Wishes

I woke up this morning as normal, got power dressed (which basically means tried not to look rough as shite) put my lucky red patent shoes on and slapped on some red lipstick. Me and my husband went to a children's home where the adoption offices are, for a fighting meeting about a baby girl.
I was sat on an over large sofa my feet didn't touch the floor, I felt like a child myself. I had my notes, three social workers facing me all staring at me with there heads tilted and smiling like fucking idiots but firing questions at me like bullets from a gun. I fought my corner, our corner, her corner.

It wasn't an ideal outcome, we agreed to compromise on our differences but the outcome was better than winning the lottery or getting the perfect job.....she's going to be ours! I can't believe I just typed that, she's there (less than 30 miles away) and I'm here, writing about her. She doesn't know me yet, I love her already. I've not even seen a picture yet but I love her, so so much.

Adoption is weird, no doubt about it, I was at the hospital the other day with my mum, my baby girl was born in my home town. I walked past the baby unit where she was born....she was there about a year ago to the day, her birth mother had walked on floor I had, looked at the same terrible paintings on the wall. She disappeared after ten days and my baby girl is finding her way home to Lotty towers, to mummy and daddy and her big brother.

When I was younger and now still, all I ever dreamed of was being and artist - check! Being married by the time I was 30 - check! Also having children, especially a girl, I'm particularly close to my mum, she's like the sister I never had and all I ever wanted was the chance to share the things I have shared and still do with my mum; do girly stuff and make memories to last a lifetime, simple things, they're always the best.
It seems in January all my dreams may have come true - shit a fucking brick, how cool is that! Yes it's cool, but it scary and wonderful at the same time, I have no expectations of her, or my son, I just want them to be themselves, follow their heart, be kind, loving and true to themselves always.

So there it is, dream number three; there are a zillion other things I want to do in my life but my three genie wishes just might be coming true. When I have looked my baby girl in the eyes and held her on my skin and kissed her little hands...the only thing left to do is place her in my mums arms and hold them both so tight and remember that moment for a life time, in my heart, in my mind, in my blood, in my bones.

The one thing that matters to me most in this world is remembering special moments and memories like that because you can search the world and look for happiness all your life, but it's that simple moment of love, with people you love, no matter how short, that means the most, that make you smile, laugh and cry all at the same time; here's to those moments and here's to cherishing them and holding them in our hearts forever.

See you soon baby girl.


Xxxx