Bad Boy

It's eight sleeps since my baby girl came to live under our roof, since I woke in the middle of the night imagining I could here her cries. After the third night she didn't cry, I'm blessed; blessed doesn't cover it really, if the pope were to touch me and say Lotty I'll give you three wishes (because that what he does doesn't he?) I'd say it's ok thanks I think I'm sorted.
Well maybe one; make it so my mum doesn't have terminal cancer please (and monster munch are good for you) But thats not an option is it, the bad boy is here to stay and as I learnt a while ago it not about the cancer it's about the life. It sounds such a cliche when your not going through it but the it's a life plan when you are, believe me. It's not about doing all the things you always wanted too, it's about enjoying the simple things, the things that cost nothing, the children's smiles, the hugs, laughing at the inappropriate farts in public, the moment you hug the person you love in a millisecond and you feel instant comfort while you can still hold them in your arms because whenever it is you know they will be gone forever. It sounds so fucking dramatic doesn't it, but my mum held me tonight before I came home, it was a real mum hug, a hug that said it ok, it's really ok Charlotte, when we know it isn't, but you really really believe it for that one moment and it's perfect.

I sat on the floor in a hospice today, holding my mum and dads hand while they both cried their hearts out and shared there deepest fears while a nurse sat next to my dad because he was so angry, so scared he couldn't help or make it better. Many many people go through this sadly, but until you see it first hand you can't explain it. To be honest I still cant, I always thought my mum was my strength but I now realise she gave me the strength to be who I am. A priceless gift, no need for a receipt, the nurse turned to my parents and said your daughter is amazing, she's got the strength, attitude and love to get you through this, there is a lot of love in this room. I looked to the window and wondered who she was speaking of, it can't be me. I feel as scared as a girl on her first day, at school with itchy new knickers. Somehow I find this power in me, stronger than the powers of grey skull to make me grip my parents hands and tell them, I am here and we will get through this and whatever you feel is normal, its a process, a journey and I'm here all the way.




I just re read my blurb, I sound like a misery, I'm not, If you met me in the street you'd think she's a happy soul. Yes, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I've got health problems of my own but I'm not unhappy, I'm sad, sad to my core sometimes, rarely, but as my wonderful mum says worse things happen to other people. I'm blessed, I have wonderful precious people around me in RL and on twitter; Lotty is a lucky lady indeed, that sounds perverse almost but I am. I'm been very very low these past few days because I have felt physically weak, but I can feel the strength coming back slowly like an outsider in the grand national.

Tomorrow is another day, just a normal weekend, I'm off to work, you'll all be getting up with the kids, be hungover, wishing for sunshine or doing a 'big shop.' All the ordinary wonderful things that's make life extraordinary. Whatever it is, however mundane ...do it with a smile please, it's lottys orders and if you don't? Well, you know what will happen, I will invite you all to dinner and let you experience my cooking first hand, then you'll be sorry!

Thanks for reading kids. You know I love you, but just that little bit more now xxxxxx