Strength

It's nearly here, all the scans, all the hospitals over the past four months and it's looming forever closer. Tomorrow we go for a 'chemo talk' chemotherapy starts on Tuesday. My mum will go from being a strong woman to a weaker version of her once self but I know her strength will shine through as bright as the fireworks over the Thames on new years eve.
I'm a mini carbon copy of my mum, she's amazeballs, I knew that before all this shit but now I see it even more so everyday. We have the same attitude to life, the same silly ways, we both look at each other after a hottie walks past us, we always enjoy every special moment and usually the simplest things in life give us the most joy. We have the same eyes, the same obsession with handbags and the same silly giggle, we both put everyone else before us and it's only when our bodies give up we take a moment to ourselves.
What's scary is I have to be strong for both of them, since my dad had his heart attack 5 weeks ago, he's aged considerably. I've given up my business's to care for them both; no hesitation I'd do it forever if it means they live longer and see their grandchildren in their school plays and growing out of there shoes as quick as the hulk does.
So where is this strength? Its in there some where, sometimes I can feel it as strong as my sons hug first thing in the morning, sometimes it hides away like a lion at the back of the wardrobe to Narnia. I will find it day by day but I will also allow myself to be weak because I am human after all.

I know where the strength will come from it will come from her, just as she taught me not to pick my nose in public and to make sure my skirt isn't tucked in my knickers when I come out the loo, she taught me how to be strong, how to enjoy every precious moment you can while you can. I will get to live after this, she won't, she will live on in all of us; we all live on in our children and I am so so proud to be like her.
So however weak she will be I will be her strength, her light when it dark her smile when she is crying because I'm her and I learn't from the best. I'm the luckiest girl in the fucking world, bring it on you bad boy cancer, we've a few more memories and smiles to enjoy before you take her from us.

xxxxx

While I'm here, I just want to say a huge thank you to all my wonderful friends on twitter that are helping me though this shitty journey. I'm generally ok most of the time and twitter is my escape when all around me is crumbling. Your kind words, sillies and laughter help me through every single day. I know most people don't get twitter but those of us that do and are lucky enough to find true life long friends through it, know that the faith and the power of human kindness can be restored through a simple 140 characters. Thank you you beautiful people, you know who you are but a special thank you to puss flaps, you are my rock ;) xxx

Holding Hands

I love the cinema, actually I love going to the cinema on my own; some peoples idea of sticking a pin in your arm in the dark, but it's pure indulgence for me. I was a lucky girl tonight, tonight I went with my dear mum....if you read my blog you will know she has a nasty terminal thing growing in her begging with C. Yes that dirty bad boy, you wouldn't know looking at her she looks stunning,beaming almost, although Im just starting to notice the tiredness in her eyes; tiredness only a daughter would see.

We had a beautiful, poignant moment that upon describing sounds so dreadfully sad but on reflection was a moment I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life, rather like when I hold a bar of chocolate so tight in my hand if someone mentions the word share.
The scene, a mother a daughter sat together, mother dying of cancer, she was offered a job away but the daughter didn't want to go because her mum, the one and only mum we get was dying, she told her to go, live her life and she told her she was proud......me and mum were sat holding hands anyway..in-between shoving minstrels in our gob quicker than a whippet chasing a rabbit on speed. This moment in the film came, silence, no munching, we held hands, stoked fingers, squeezed each others hands tight, never moved, never looked at each other, tears streaming, the words saying what we were both feeling...then the mum in the film said "I'm not planning on dying yet." We both smiled, squeezed hands tighter and wiped the snot discreetly from our noses.

Sounds so sad doesn't it, it wasn't it was beautiful, truly beautiful, magical almost, made me realise what I already knew...this woman is my being, she has taught me so much; how to handle life, how to be strong, how to be a mother myself, how to not give a fuck what people think of you or what you look like, sing to a good song even if it's in a quite cinema (yeah we did that too) but most importantly how to love. How bloody lucky am I!

Go see the film 'The Help,' go on your own or take someone you love, breath it in like a good Vicks vapour rub, come out smiling then go dance in the street like no one is looking....you only live once right.

Thanks for reading lovelies xxx

My Heart

It's 3am, the day after the news my mums got in-operable liver cancer. I guess this is called reasonable insomnia, that's ok then; I officially have permission not to sleep and be as grumpy tomorrow as the hulks seamstress.

Half an hour ago I thought my heart was going to break, but my husband held me, and I cried real earthy tears of sadness from deep inside my heart and let them dry on my pillow while he rocked me like a baby. I felt great after, nowt like a good cry as my grandad always said, you'll pee less love.

Millions of people go through this, I'm/we are not special and I know that! I really do but as everything in life when it's happening to you and people you would die for are facing a short future of pain it grips your soul as tight as your child's hand holds yours on the first day of school.
I'm blessed, we all are, but I'm blessed in a way that my parents, particularly my mother taught me from an early age to live everyday life as if it could all end tomorrow, how fucking cool is that!
It's weird since the news yesterday you think about what you want to do with the person you have limited time, I can think of a few, not many because thankfully I've already done so many of them-that's like winning the lottery in my book.
One of my biggest sadnesses is that my mum won't spend a great deal of time with my baby girl, hopefully some, please fucking god some. I need there skin to touch, there souls to link, there smiles to share and there eyes to lock and I want my mum to push my baby on the swings. They will, I will make it happen as fast as I can!

The other sadness is the pain and weakness she is about to face, she's as tough as jockeys arse my mum and my inner strength has always come from her, I learnt from the best. We will fight the physical pain together and will look after her if it means I age 20 years in the next god knows how many months, I don't care. I can always Sellotape my wrinkles back because I'll be living and breathing and moaning about the price of fuel, she will be in the sky with my other beloved lost ones.

There's no happy to ending to terminal cancer, but the happiness comes from the life that you have already lived. I sat yesterday with my mum and dad, looking at the beautiful view from there house, all drinking whisky, all crying and my mum said she's had the most wonderful life, held my hand, held my dads, looked into his eyes and said that's because I've shared it with you and our beautiful children and grand children.
Heartbreaking, but probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever ever heard in all my life.....see life fucking rocks doesn't it. I'm not going to say all the cliches, but please do one thing when you've read this; go hug someone you love and cherish that moment. However long or short you get to hold them, kiss them, breathe them, feel them and love them because that memory will last a lifetime; however long or short that will be.

Thanks for reading kids, do get a tissue you look like shit xxxxxxx