My Heart

It's 3am, the day after the news my mums got in-operable liver cancer. I guess this is called reasonable insomnia, that's ok then; I officially have permission not to sleep and be as grumpy tomorrow as the hulks seamstress.

Half an hour ago I thought my heart was going to break, but my husband held me, and I cried real earthy tears of sadness from deep inside my heart and let them dry on my pillow while he rocked me like a baby. I felt great after, nowt like a good cry as my grandad always said, you'll pee less love.

Millions of people go through this, I'm/we are not special and I know that! I really do but as everything in life when it's happening to you and people you would die for are facing a short future of pain it grips your soul as tight as your child's hand holds yours on the first day of school.
I'm blessed, we all are, but I'm blessed in a way that my parents, particularly my mother taught me from an early age to live everyday life as if it could all end tomorrow, how fucking cool is that!
It's weird since the news yesterday you think about what you want to do with the person you have limited time, I can think of a few, not many because thankfully I've already done so many of them-that's like winning the lottery in my book.
One of my biggest sadnesses is that my mum won't spend a great deal of time with my baby girl, hopefully some, please fucking god some. I need there skin to touch, there souls to link, there smiles to share and there eyes to lock and I want my mum to push my baby on the swings. They will, I will make it happen as fast as I can!

The other sadness is the pain and weakness she is about to face, she's as tough as jockeys arse my mum and my inner strength has always come from her, I learnt from the best. We will fight the physical pain together and will look after her if it means I age 20 years in the next god knows how many months, I don't care. I can always Sellotape my wrinkles back because I'll be living and breathing and moaning about the price of fuel, she will be in the sky with my other beloved lost ones.

There's no happy to ending to terminal cancer, but the happiness comes from the life that you have already lived. I sat yesterday with my mum and dad, looking at the beautiful view from there house, all drinking whisky, all crying and my mum said she's had the most wonderful life, held my hand, held my dads, looked into his eyes and said that's because I've shared it with you and our beautiful children and grand children.
Heartbreaking, but probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever ever heard in all my life.....see life fucking rocks doesn't it. I'm not going to say all the cliches, but please do one thing when you've read this; go hug someone you love and cherish that moment. However long or short you get to hold them, kiss them, breathe them, feel them and love them because that memory will last a lifetime; however long or short that will be.

Thanks for reading kids, do get a tissue you look like shit xxxxxxx