Eternal Optomist

That will bloody teach me; a two hour snooze in the day now I'm wide a sodding awake! Ooooh starting with a rant, well 'how very me'. Actually I'm not in a ranting mood, maybe a little moan but feeling rather chirpy as it happens. No reason why, just am. Do I need a reason? Oh shut up Lotty and crack on.

Well this is one of those funny boggy things where I have started writing it and I've no idea what to write about but look at me go...Jesus its scary isn't it? The amount of drivel that can come from one persons mouth, or should that be fingers?

Annnyway...I was thinking today as I live with such a pessimistic git; does this make me even more a optimist or make me go the other way. I'm not sure, I guess over the years we've both dabbled a bit in each others but recently it seems the optimist is shining through in me (thank god!) The more miserable and pessimistic he is, the more optimistic I'm, don't get me wrong sometimes it like putting a forest fire out with a damp sponge but Christ why do pessimists have to be so bloody miserable? I guess its there nature, his whole family are like it..as I'm in my new 'Me' phase as I like to call it.....I'm getting rather intolerant of it.....I've told him, not made a blind bit of difference like, but at least I'm honest eh?

Oooooh I'm getting into full ranting mode...I'll stop that its not a 'I hate my husband blog' more of a 'oh yes he's thoughtless twat'...oops there I go again, right stopping now!

Flowers are beautiful aren't they...my garden is blooming, not really into gardening, more a creative director on that front. Roses, but particularly pansy's...they're like little smiley faces all over (helps with the optimism that.) I'm the kind of person that when I'm doing something simple, like riding on a bus or walking on the school run I notice everything (could be noisiness) but I do...does everyone do that? Or just me arty farty type?

I love spring time the best all those little joyous flowers hiding under the ground just waiting to play peepo with us. Like little angels waiting to pop and give us a smile - lovely.

I'm stopping now as may start to think about space, science and the meaning of the world and I really should be thinking sleepy thoughts and at least lovely dreams. Oh god so much to figure out, so little time...so here's to a good sleep. There's nothing like it for tackling the world eh folks?

Well from a nothing blog, I've covered thoughtless said husband,flowers and spring....another load of tosh shared with a few. Apologies....must try and be more interesting...oh I wouldn't know where to start, I guess I'll just keep being me in this life and see what happens eh?

Nighty night, until next time xx

The beauty of a sleeping child

I 'was' having a lovely day, a rare afternoon of immersing myself in my studio (not doing my own work sadly) but doing daft prep for workshops; not exactly 'down pit' so you'll hear no grumbling from me, despite now having a right hand swelled to the size of Peru, I love it in there on my own.

It's my own world where no one can get to me, it could be on another planet really. It makes me loose myself a bit, oh that's sounds so shit and oh so arty..pfft hate that, but actually it does. It allows me to immerse myself in life, work and my thoughts, in me I suppose, I have no hat on in there other than Charlotte.

On the down side it can give me a bit too much thinking time while I'm cutting up cardboard the thickness of 70's platform shoe. Again no bad thing, it gives me time to take stock and breathe for a while; I know not many people can do that, I know I'm lucky. I actually like my own company (oh how self fucking centered is she I hear you cry) well not at all actually, I guess I never get bored of my own mind and I love and need my own time to myself like this afternoon.

As everything in life when something's lovely, something has to come along and tip the balance. No nothing terrible; when I say nothing terrible I mean bottom line stuff as in no one is ill. What ever I face in life that's always my bottom line with me, as everyone I suppose. I'm a very outwardly calm person (with a brain like Road Runner) and I have an endless supply of patience (except maybe when it comes to my son.) I guess I'm good in a crisis, thankfully daily I don't have to face many of those; I live a cushy life really. I meet a lot of people through my work that don't; people who have mental health problems, addictions, self confidence issues and suffer real real poverty I could go on but I won't, I'll depress myself.

I guess that why I'm not a moaner; I shut up and get on with it and think about it later. You never guess that though hearing me on twitter you'd think just the opposite, it seems though with recent home stuff twitter is my place of rant - no bad thing admittedly as someone tweeted me the other day 'rant away' - er OK permission granted then.

Its a place no one can really hear me (as this bloggy thing is really) and I can be a complete tit and not give a shit about sounding like a wallywoo; I love it because of that, oh yes and the fact you can nosey the hell out of other people lives. I'm intrigued as what the hell I did before twitter with all my rants and nonsense thoughts - its a little bit like someone opening a door at the back of my brain and everything spilling out but not making a mess on the carpet. (god I talk shit don't I? I blame the painkillers myself.)

So the result of the loveliness being interrupted this evening by a air of stress, anger and fuck knows what? Well that will be a quiet night in the house, so quiet its deafening, so quiet I don't even want to nosey in on twitter. I'm not sad or pissed off or anything else, I'm just here at the moment and I ended up writing this shit...who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I'm going to go watch my son sleep in a minute, because that's incredibly calming,lovely and emotional. I don't do it very often but when I do it fill the gaps in my mind, makes me smile and able to breath slowly again. Before I know it he'll be 6ft, spotty and telling me to piss off, so I know I must cherish this time when I can go sit next to him and find him amongst the mountains of soft toys he never had in the first part of his little life.

I will never forget for as long as I live the pure beauty of my child sleeping I am truly blessed to call him my son - I love him with entirety of my heart now and always.

I've got to go now because my right hand has packed up and I'm having to type with my nose and I keep banging my head and its giving me a headache.

Bye for now, until the next load of drivel eh?

Thanks for reading x x

Normal?

Phew what a few days...beautiful 4th birthday memories mixed with torment, continuing sibling argument and attitudes, a zillion heated texts and phone calls ending in a rather serene moment of calm with my beautiful son playing in my garden with his two beautiful cousins - a moment that filled my heart with joy. Contrasts or what?

Just another 'normal' family birthday then - pfft. As a very close friend pointed out "no family occasion would be complete without an argument" so true, thing is when its happening it feels like your the only one having to deal with it and this weekend it really was make or break.

I nearly came to shutting my bro and his family out of my life completely (not something I would do lightly, its been festering for a couple of years now.) Scary shit though - no one does that in my family, we always work it out, but sometimes the hurt cuts so deep I coil like a frightened hedgehog, to protect myself and put me first (something new I'm doing, since a change in my life since last October - its refreshing and rather lovely!)

Sorry I'm being rather serious, I guess this is cathartic; bare with me, I'll shut up soon.

Normal...ahhhh well that's one thing I have never been, never intend to be or would ever seek out. Who wants to be 'normal' to me it just means mundane, samey, a suit, an ant.  My mum always said and still does to this day; if she wants me to do something she asks me to the do the opposite; funny thing she is just the same. I think this a nice way of saying I'm a stubborn little bugger, (she's spot on, but don't tell her she'll gloatt) she's always been sensitive and kind; hopefully something I also inherited from her.

I'm interested in the realms of what being 'normal' actually is, surely everyone is normal? If something feels right and you want to do it in life then that's normal right? I'm the kind of person friends always come to with problems,  (stop laughing, yes I can be sensible and give sound advice) but the most thing I always say and the most important is to be yourself, always, no matter what - its the only thing you truly ever have that belongs to you and surly that what makes you 'normal' in your little world.

My problem is I always put other people first and its easy for everyone to get lost in being a title rather than a person, but the person looks you in the mirror everyday not the title, right?

One of the zillion things I find fascinating about life and people is someones actions can seem so wrong to one person but so so right to another. I have two brothers, one lives down the road, one 150 miles away. I speak and see the one that's furthest away more than the one ten minutes away. This saddens me deeply and there are many many reasons for this of which I won't bore you; there simply aren't enough words or emotions and its something that I'm slowly learning to live with.

Its amazing to me that me and my brothers were brought up all the same, all equals and given the opportunity to be whoever we wanted to be (a basic human right me thinks) but we have all become so different and so similar in so many ways. Yes, we meet partners and grow and become different people but the essence, values and core of what we are stems from family values.

I guess this is why being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, but that's also where I put into practice full force everyday 'doing the right thing at the time.' Its working so far but I'm open to  change anytime.

I've no idea why I'm sharing these thoughts, do you need a reason in a blog? I never read the small print. Oh well like I said its been a roller coaster of a few days and I suppose this helps me to make sense of it all, although it may not seem like it reading this! *taxi for Lotty, first class to the loony bin*

Apologies if I have bored you rigid...I suppose you could have just stopped reading I mean no one forced you, have some self control people please!

Right I'm going to do something useful now.....a spot of catching up on work emails, then I'm off to the funfair that's in town with my family.....I might try and squeeze myself into a black Lycra cat suit and prance around like Olivia Newton-John in Grease...surely that's not normal? Whoopee bring it on!

Bye for now...until the next few thoughts (you have been warned) xx

A Spec of an Artist

Funny old week; its Wednesday afternoon and I have exactly 45 minutes before my peace is broken i.e until my son comes back from school (I say school I mean nursery but if we call it school he thinks he's a big boy) Urgh I hate waiting with all the other mums and dads at the school gate..how did I get from being 'Just Charlotte' to 'Charlotte the mummy'? I've no idea, I always thought I'd lap up chatting to the other parents..oh no..not me.

Its a funny old thing the playground; a bit like a load of ants waiting to pounce on a meal. People shy away from looking at you as if to say, don't look at me...don't talk to me..why? I'm the type of person who always gives people a smile, it seems to particularly  unnerve the other ants..so I do it more (I'm like that) more of a reflection of them really I suppose but its sad really isn't it?

So when my 'mummy' hats off I'll be down to being an artist again...well I say artist. I think all of you are thinking I fanny around in a studio everyday with a smock and funny french hat with and paint brushes hanging out of my pocket. Well not this one, if I can grab an hour in my studio (ahem...I say studio actually it's big blue shed at the bottom of the garden mainly full of crap but also a load of shiny things and more paint than B+Q.) Where was I? Oh yes if I do get a moment in there (not sorting out all the crap) recently I've actually been doing some of my own work- result!

Its been a long time, about 5 years; actually it seems something ignited me recently; a mixture of a few things, I realised just how drawing and painting can be an expression of whats going on in my mind. Scary as my mind wonders terribly, did anyone watch Eastenders the other night? Oh shit there it goes again.

My works mainly abstract but if you look close enough you can see little teasers of what its really about; its like taking a photograph but only showing a slight spec of it, you get a taster but actually you've no idea what the picture is and your really just looking to see if its pretty or not.

Its fab I love it, it keeps me alive and kicking and I'd really forgotten that buzz I get from doing it. Its like having a fag behind the bike sheds when you were at school (although I never did I was a good girl) a pure moment of self indulgence and free falling.

Everyone always says they can't draw; to enjoy producing art you don't have to (although 6 years training I think I'm allowed to say I can) you just have to be able to let yourself go and not worry about the end result, if looks ok when you done then its a bonus, if not? Well then that's what the bins for isn't? I never throw anything away though, I am an artist version of a hoarder or those weird people who keep there wee in bottles...did you see that documentary? What  the bejezus what that about? Anyway I digress, you'll get used to that people. I suppose because every drawing, sketch or word I write is a little piece of me I can't throw it away and usually they always end up as being part of something.

So I'll sush now as I now have exactly 14 minutes until 'mummy hats' on again and I need to go and give those other ants a right good Lotty smile. I'll post some specs of my mind soon...I don't think there pretty but I think they are precious, so that will do me kids.

Bye for now x

Early Morning Sounds

I love them, they are like air to me; insomnia strikes, has struck, I have been stricken. Its happened a lot recently so I get up and go sit in my office, open the window and listen. Its beautiful, I love every single sound; the birds, cars but its the air that's the loudest. Its like the world breathing and it clears my head....it takes me back to being a little girl.

My dad was always up super early and I was too, I used to jump around him and make him sandwiches for his lunch. They must have been vile; I'm sure once there was a jam and dairylea incident, he must have binned them at work but he was and still is a good daddy so he always smiled and took them.
I'm sure he wished I was in bed but I remember, even being so little thinking this is my very special time with daddy because I got him all to myself. It was best when it was the summer and you could almost feel the heat in the cold of the air of the morning. Funny how when your a child you wake up with happiness every morning, most of the time I'm still the same but then growing up (on the inside) never was my strong point.

I just decided my bloggy thing will be my insomnia friend, no doubt we will see each other through some good and bad stuff but that's whats life's all about isn't it? Feeling the sadness so we can know how the happiness feels.....oh it sounds so lame but its true, I bet half of you have stopped reading already or gone and put a pillow over your face.
Well another thing I just decided, my bloggy doodar thing wotsit will be written as if I'm talking to myself (yes yes I know people get locked up for worse) but don't we all talk to our self with our thoughts, all day? No? Well that's just me then.
Ok relax people! You will get used to me talking shit and if you don't well then piss off its been nice knowing you! Er note to self - know how to work a crowd of bloggy readery people you loon, don't tell em to piss off in your second bloggy thing. *Noted

Where was I? Oh yes...when I'm listening to the early morning sounds I get ideas, thoughts, emotions and images in my head. I've written down about 20 already, most of them will be in the bin; it doesn't matter they are my thoughts and I own full rights to them.

I guess that's whats scary about a bloggy....god who the hell gets scared of a blog? Well this Artist named Charlotte does because my mind is my most powerful weapon, I always used to think what happens if my hands ever get damaged and I can't draw or write in one of my zillion notebooks and sketch pads I have everywhere cluttering up the place..all like little friends with thoughts from different stages in my life...now I realise actually I should'nt have been worrying about my hands it was and is my brain that will I will cut myself with one day.

Worrying well there's another hobby of mine, the majority of the time I am a non committed worrier...what does this mean? Well its means all kinds of worries pass through my brain every hour, but most of them just keep on walking and don't pause to sit and admire the view. This is a blessing or they may actually have to carry me away.

Yesterday I had no idea what to write but the early morning sounds have left me with a passion for talking a load of crap on here and you know what? Actually I kinda like it already.

If no one reads this, if everyone reads this then I'm happy. I apologise now for the somewhat erratic train of thoughts...what can I say I'm just me and I'm happy with it, believe it or not this is normal for me; yes people be afraid be very afraid! *evil laugh*

Ok people are walking outside, the rule is the early morning bliss had ended.

Bye for now

x Charlotte

Short and Sweet

Hello whoever you are reading this,

This is my first bloggy thing, yes short and sweet as suddenly I feel very self conscious of what I'm writing. I'm sure this will pass and you won't be able to shut me up; I am partial to a bit of rambling, nonsense and general talking a load of crap.

Watch this space people!

x Charlotte