Normal?

Phew what a few days...beautiful 4th birthday memories mixed with torment, continuing sibling argument and attitudes, a zillion heated texts and phone calls ending in a rather serene moment of calm with my beautiful son playing in my garden with his two beautiful cousins - a moment that filled my heart with joy. Contrasts or what?

Just another 'normal' family birthday then - pfft. As a very close friend pointed out "no family occasion would be complete without an argument" so true, thing is when its happening it feels like your the only one having to deal with it and this weekend it really was make or break.

I nearly came to shutting my bro and his family out of my life completely (not something I would do lightly, its been festering for a couple of years now.) Scary shit though - no one does that in my family, we always work it out, but sometimes the hurt cuts so deep I coil like a frightened hedgehog, to protect myself and put me first (something new I'm doing, since a change in my life since last October - its refreshing and rather lovely!)

Sorry I'm being rather serious, I guess this is cathartic; bare with me, I'll shut up soon.

Normal...ahhhh well that's one thing I have never been, never intend to be or would ever seek out. Who wants to be 'normal' to me it just means mundane, samey, a suit, an ant.  My mum always said and still does to this day; if she wants me to do something she asks me to the do the opposite; funny thing she is just the same. I think this a nice way of saying I'm a stubborn little bugger, (she's spot on, but don't tell her she'll gloatt) she's always been sensitive and kind; hopefully something I also inherited from her.

I'm interested in the realms of what being 'normal' actually is, surely everyone is normal? If something feels right and you want to do it in life then that's normal right? I'm the kind of person friends always come to with problems,  (stop laughing, yes I can be sensible and give sound advice) but the most thing I always say and the most important is to be yourself, always, no matter what - its the only thing you truly ever have that belongs to you and surly that what makes you 'normal' in your little world.

My problem is I always put other people first and its easy for everyone to get lost in being a title rather than a person, but the person looks you in the mirror everyday not the title, right?

One of the zillion things I find fascinating about life and people is someones actions can seem so wrong to one person but so so right to another. I have two brothers, one lives down the road, one 150 miles away. I speak and see the one that's furthest away more than the one ten minutes away. This saddens me deeply and there are many many reasons for this of which I won't bore you; there simply aren't enough words or emotions and its something that I'm slowly learning to live with.

Its amazing to me that me and my brothers were brought up all the same, all equals and given the opportunity to be whoever we wanted to be (a basic human right me thinks) but we have all become so different and so similar in so many ways. Yes, we meet partners and grow and become different people but the essence, values and core of what we are stems from family values.

I guess this is why being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, but that's also where I put into practice full force everyday 'doing the right thing at the time.' Its working so far but I'm open to  change anytime.

I've no idea why I'm sharing these thoughts, do you need a reason in a blog? I never read the small print. Oh well like I said its been a roller coaster of a few days and I suppose this helps me to make sense of it all, although it may not seem like it reading this! *taxi for Lotty, first class to the loony bin*

Apologies if I have bored you rigid...I suppose you could have just stopped reading I mean no one forced you, have some self control people please!

Right I'm going to do something useful now.....a spot of catching up on work emails, then I'm off to the funfair that's in town with my family.....I might try and squeeze myself into a black Lycra cat suit and prance around like Olivia Newton-John in Grease...surely that's not normal? Whoopee bring it on!

Bye for now...until the next few thoughts (you have been warned) xx