Saturday, 21 July 2012

Sweet and sour

I guess this is a sweet and sour blog, a number 19 on the Lotty menu served with a side order of 'how the hell did I get through that week.'
Yes tough mum stuff again, I don't want to depress you all and make you drown in your wine or your coco pops depending on what time you're reading this so I'll emit some nasty details. However as always, I write this blog selfishly for me and not you so bare with me please, this is my release; rather like having a good windy bottom after eating baked beans.

Both mum and dad over the past two months were drifting apart, my dad full of anger and frustration over him having a knackered heart and mum being terminally ill. Mum became withdrawn, depressed and anxious about going out; strange seeing the two strongest people in your life dwindle before your very eyes. Strange doesn't cover it, it's heart breaking, heart breaking doesn't cover it either really, at it's worst it's like being knifed in the heart when your fully conscious with your eyes as wide open as a deer in head lights, living the nightmare every breathing minute of the day.
I could see it getting worse, feel the tension between them I could almost eat the smell of anger and sadness when I walked into their house.I didn't know what to do and I hid away a bit, in the comfort of my own home because if I didn't look into my mums or dads eyes then I wouldn't be reminded of the utter feeling of helplessness that consumed my body.

I got stronger, with some help; the good news came that the cancer wasn't any bigger and the chemo was stopping the fucker growing like a triffid, so mum decided a chemo holiday was in order. Now it's not your average Saga holiday or week in Blackpool, a summer to plan, to do stuff, to live and not be tied to hospital appointments the way Robin sticks to Batman like shit on a stick. All Rosie for a while but mum and dad emotionally deteriorated dramatically; so I cracked on getting them some help; got them both counselling, some happy pills, regular trips to the hospice for mum and tried to keep them busy. To date I think its working, they seem a lil happier, no not a little today they were themselves, just more tired looking.

Mums pain got worse this week and other symptoms ( I will emit) have now started; a sign it could be spreading, a sign maybe she really needs to get off the coach from the chemo holiday and get back to hotel NHS. Shes on constant morphine now and its keeping the pain at bay.
I spent the afternoon with them today, just me, mum and dad. It was just like when I was 15 and my brothers had left home; mum was ironing, dad was pottering around in the garden and we just talked about nothing about everything. It was just normal, and in between mum casually saying she thinks the cancer might be in her lungs, we made plans, special plans; a weekend away just me and her, party planning for my daughters adoption party next week. We laughed, we giggled, she took the piss out of me for being forgetful, I made her carry a load of heavy stuff to the garage and said oh maybe I shouldn't have done that you have got cancer haven't you; we both laughed.

Cancers not about death, it's more about life that you will ever know; yes it will take her and my dads knackered old heart might take him one day but something takes us all. Yes cancer can change you, can make you weaker but really it just remoulds a person, a little like kids playing with play doh only not as many bright colours.
Every week is so different, sometimes it's clouded with horrible heart wrenching thoughts that make me want to be physically sick in the middle of the night but other times, hopefully most of the time it's just about living. About doing the weekly shop, seeing my kids being spoilt with their grannie and grandad, watching mum doing the ironing, popping around with cake I've made and the luxury times when we both go away. It's day by day and week by week, it's all it can be and it's all it should be. I didn't know my love for my mother and father could get any bigger but I stood there today and I felt it all around me, in every pore and vein in my body. It was sweet, as sweet candy floss made from pure honey, all fluffy and pink and warm like the best cuddle you ever ever had.

Thanks for reading, go tell someone you love em please.


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