I'll pick it up at the post office

This morning I thought my heart was actually going to break, it's been shattered a couple of times in the past by some rather first class knob blokes when I was a single gal but this was different. I could feeI it aching, a different kind of ache completely out of the blue. I was in the kitchen being a mummy, iPod was on shuffle and a song came on about someone that had died. It got me hook, line and sinker, no warning; tears streamed from my eyes like a toddler peeing all over the carpet when your trying to potty train.
I stood looking out the window and thought how can I possibly be grieving for mum she's still here, I guess it a process and I've never been through anything like this before. I know thousands sadly do but Lotty hasn't, I always come back to the fact that it's not actually me going through it its mum; so buck Lotty and get on with it.

For those of you that don't know, my mum was diagnosed with in-operable terminal cancer last year and I'm her and my dads full time carer. I was thinking today since all this started about last October I've been pretty strong. She's been really rough recently, rougher than I've let on to be honest; the worst yet and it's given me a taster of vile things to come. The point is I've been strong for others, I'm still doing that and I'll still slap on a smile when I walk out the front door or pick up the phone to speak mum but as a some of you know I lost some of my strength recently....I think it got chucked out by mistake and went to the same place all the odd socks go. I know it will come back I'm just waiting for the postman to put a red card through the door and I'll collect it at the weekend.

I'm surprised I'm not coping as well as I was, it sounds silly doesn't it, yes I'm allowed not to cope it's a fucking living nightmare stuff this and it's been a rough few months for me with my miscarriage and all. But I'm just not used to feeling so mentally weak, I'm not used to involuntarily bursting into tears like the brat in the sweet shop being told no. So it seems I am human after all folks, this fucking wonder woman outfit needs to go to the cleaners and have a good airing to get some powers back. I know I'll find it again we always do don't we, I'll be brave and get some help, I've never been afraid to ask for help I still ask old grannies to help me across busy roads so it's no different is it.

I hate to moan, I'm not a moaner and sorry if these words all jumbled resemble it, as you know I'm an optimist I can see a positive in sinking ship me. I'm not beat yet, I know there's worst to come but I know I'm strong and writing my blog, tweeting and the beautiful people around me help me every day.
Apologies for the erratic and sometimes sad timeline but as all my tweets, I just write what pops into my head and my heart it's a Lotty force even the power of grey skull would struggle to contend with.

Thanks for reading this waffle, I'll look forward to receiving my sympathy donkey in the post, I bet I'll be out; I'll pick it up at the post office when I get my strength back.

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