I'll pick it up at the post office

This morning I thought my heart was actually going to break, it's been shattered a couple of times in the past by some rather first class knob blokes when I was a single gal but this was different. I could feeI it aching, a different kind of ache completely out of the blue. I was in the kitchen being a mummy, iPod was on shuffle and a song came on about someone that had died. It got me hook, line and sinker, no warning; tears streamed from my eyes like a toddler peeing all over the carpet when your trying to potty train.
I stood looking out the window and thought how can I possibly be grieving for mum she's still here, I guess it a process and I've never been through anything like this before. I know thousands sadly do but Lotty hasn't, I always come back to the fact that it's not actually me going through it its mum; so buck Lotty and get on with it.

For those of you that don't know, my mum was diagnosed with in-operable terminal cancer last year and I'm her and my dads full time carer. I was thinking today since all this started about last October I've been pretty strong. She's been really rough recently, rougher than I've let on to be honest; the worst yet and it's given me a taster of vile things to come. The point is I've been strong for others, I'm still doing that and I'll still slap on a smile when I walk out the front door or pick up the phone to speak mum but as a some of you know I lost some of my strength recently....I think it got chucked out by mistake and went to the same place all the odd socks go. I know it will come back I'm just waiting for the postman to put a red card through the door and I'll collect it at the weekend.

I'm surprised I'm not coping as well as I was, it sounds silly doesn't it, yes I'm allowed not to cope it's a fucking living nightmare stuff this and it's been a rough few months for me with my miscarriage and all. But I'm just not used to feeling so mentally weak, I'm not used to involuntarily bursting into tears like the brat in the sweet shop being told no. So it seems I am human after all folks, this fucking wonder woman outfit needs to go to the cleaners and have a good airing to get some powers back. I know I'll find it again we always do don't we, I'll be brave and get some help, I've never been afraid to ask for help I still ask old grannies to help me across busy roads so it's no different is it.

I hate to moan, I'm not a moaner and sorry if these words all jumbled resemble it, as you know I'm an optimist I can see a positive in sinking ship me. I'm not beat yet, I know there's worst to come but I know I'm strong and writing my blog, tweeting and the beautiful people around me help me every day.
Apologies for the erratic and sometimes sad timeline but as all my tweets, I just write what pops into my head and my heart it's a Lotty force even the power of grey skull would struggle to contend with.

Thanks for reading this waffle, I'll look forward to receiving my sympathy donkey in the post, I bet I'll be out; I'll pick it up at the post office when I get my strength back.

xxxxxxxx

A closed department store

Well poke me sideways with a whittle stick, I just had a flick through some of my blogs - geesh if I ain't banging on about cancer, I'm droning on about adoption or being ill! Why you lot read this is beyond me, the only thing I can think is that you're all sun readers or think Jeremy Kyle should host question time and Jeremy Clarkson is sexy.

Anyways what's this one about? I'm not sure yet, some blogs write themselves, Im doing this one. I want to talk about twitter again; as most of us do I have a love hate relationship with it,I nearly deleted my account the other week, I lost my twitter mojo. I found it again with a ten pence piece, a wire from my bra and a piece of lego in the bottom of the washing machine, I don't know who left it there but it got boiled on a 60 and it survived and came out a bit brighter and shinier I think.

Twitter simply allows me to say and express things I was only ever allowed to think in my own head before. As it does for everyone one, it's a daily outlet of emotions and thoughts that give an impression to people what kind of person we are.
I'm basically your average frog hating, piss head who kitchen dances a lot and moans way too much about shit; all normal, move along please nothing to see here.

What I find the most intriguing about twitter is it's allure and its power, I'm not talking about twitter crushes, geesh we all have them (I'm still saving my twitter cherry for that @Twitflups by the way) I mean the power it has over our minds....because that's what twitter is about isn't it, people minds...how they work. How much they give away or how much they choose to hold back. A little like a woman that wears the top that doesn't show any puppies but just gives ya lil hint to let you know they're there.
I love it, I love the different people and the different styles they tweet in, so reflective of meeting different people in life. You can dip in and out, be fucked off, be happy and not give a shit; a place to do what you like. I feel a bit like I'm in a department store sometimes and I'm only one there and I can be as silly as I want, try all the make up or just snooze on the beds.
Thats it for me and for everyone I know, our tweets reflect our mood; I have a zillion moods a day because of everything that's happening in my life at the moment; but even when I want to be quiet and curl up on the that extra springy bed alone I still sit on twitter. I care so much about a lot of people on there and if I haven't heard from them in a day or two I'm texting them. This is a happy by product of my stumblings on twitter, friends that have crossed the line from the closed to the open department store and I will always be truly blessed for those people in my life so thank you.

In real life you can meet people and we all have, that have an effect on you for a life time, a teacher,a friend or a colleague etc. For me twitter is no different, however much I love to hate it, it's made my eyes open and my heart cry and smile all at the same time, I'm blown away daily by peoples kindness so thank you beautiful people. Here's to more donkey loving tweets, kitchen dancing a go go, drunken waffle and friendships.

Now piss off, I need to trawl through a load of shit in my TL, geesh you lot talk crap.

Xxxxxx



For Lilly - A blessing in my life, thank you. Just keep being you. xxxx