Lucky hedgehog Lotty

My mum has always said life's like a road trip and when the big things happen it's a cross roads to choose which route to take. She always was wise old mare, bloody annoying when your 15, life changing when your grown up. Funny being grown up isn't it, I don't believe any of us are really, we just play at this grown up malarkey and some of us hide it more than others. Being a child is endearing, beautifully naive and simplistic if only we knew how fab it it's at the time eh.
My nana always said "if I knew then what I know now" I remember hearing this as a little girl and thinking....go on then nan finish the sentence. Growing older I understood exactly what she was saying and there isn't an ending, the sentence says it all.

I'm rambling about this because my mum and my nana are two very strong women that's have made a huge impact on me, maybe more than I realise in two very different ways; also its mothers day...geesh Lotty a topical blog? Whatever next cleans pants on a Monday? Nah, that'll never happen, I'll never be that grown up!

Most of you know (and if you don't you must have been living in fragil rock for the past few weeks as I've blurted enough about it enough on twitter, sorry about that) that I recently had a complicated miscarriage (not thats theres a simple version) and I also didn't know I could even have kids so it was a double whammy. Bit of a shocker to say the least, it was easier for me though, I didn't have a room ready or a tummy to rub and enjoy (well yeah alright the tummy was there but you know what I mean) I just had contractions for three weeks. Not the nicest I must say, there's definitely something more to be said for adoption than them bad boys. Yeah today is a bit tough because of that and yes all I can think that's bounding towards the front of my mind like an Andrew puppy is this could be my last with my mum. But as Christmas was, it's not the last it's the best.

I really never thought I would be a mummy and now I have two angels....I still can't believe it, those of you that read my blog in an attempt for a good nights sleep will know I'm honoured to have my adopted children in my life.
I haven't talked about this on twitter because I think I moan too much on there anyway, but our little girl has been struggling to settle with us; it's been incredibly tough I can't tell you. We thought our son would be the one the to react, but no, she was, she's basically been screaming for weeks whenever her brother is around because all she's known is one to one. I don't just mean screaming, I mean shatter glass and deafen small animals screaming. This week though, although tough I broke the screaming cycle, at one point I could actually hear supernanny dialling the job centre so I must be doing something right.

So it's a bit of a mixed bag today, I'm not dwelling on anything, none of it. Yes it will be tough when I go to mums but I'll be strong and I'll see the pleasure my children give to her and the love in her eyes and realise just how blessed I am. I said to a beautiful friend in the week there's always someone worse off than you and it's true it doesn't negate from how sad or crap something is but it's a good way to clear the mist sometimes.

When I found out I was miscarrying I just blurted it out on twitter, I regretted this instantly and thought Christ how awful for you lot to read this, I didn't want to make any of you feel awkward or be reading doom and gloom.No one wakes up in a morning and goes.....oooh yeah let's check that twitter place so I can go and get depressed. But as always twitter you proved me wrong and my initial regret was washed away like pubes down the plug hole.
You showed me love and kindness and you actually helped me through it, I'd never been in hospital as an adult, it's like some weird really bad boarding school dormitory with assisted care and very strong painkillers. You were all there when I needed you the most, late at night when I was scared so thank you, you know who you are.
I don't really believe in fate or Karma and all that bullshit but sometimes when bad things happen and a good thing happens right after; it gives you the strength to get up and face the world, to see the world more clearly in fact. When this happens purely by accident it's even more beautiful, more powerful and more special and my heart warms just thinking about it. Despite all the crap in my life I see I'm a very lucky lady, very lucky indeed probably as lucky as hedgehog that managed to cross the road safely without a lollypop lady.

So thank you again, for reading this drivel and for helping me through life, it's a slippery slimy beggar but it ain't half brilliant. I'm off now to get my flowers and get snotty kisses of my kids. Love being a mum, a gift more precious than kerplunk, well almost ;)

Xxxxxx.