Bad Boy

It's eight sleeps since my baby girl came to live under our roof, since I woke in the middle of the night imagining I could here her cries. After the third night she didn't cry, I'm blessed; blessed doesn't cover it really, if the pope were to touch me and say Lotty I'll give you three wishes (because that what he does doesn't he?) I'd say it's ok thanks I think I'm sorted.
Well maybe one; make it so my mum doesn't have terminal cancer please (and monster munch are good for you) But thats not an option is it, the bad boy is here to stay and as I learnt a while ago it not about the cancer it's about the life. It sounds such a cliche when your not going through it but the it's a life plan when you are, believe me. It's not about doing all the things you always wanted too, it's about enjoying the simple things, the things that cost nothing, the children's smiles, the hugs, laughing at the inappropriate farts in public, the moment you hug the person you love in a millisecond and you feel instant comfort while you can still hold them in your arms because whenever it is you know they will be gone forever. It sounds so fucking dramatic doesn't it, but my mum held me tonight before I came home, it was a real mum hug, a hug that said it ok, it's really ok Charlotte, when we know it isn't, but you really really believe it for that one moment and it's perfect.

I sat on the floor in a hospice today, holding my mum and dads hand while they both cried their hearts out and shared there deepest fears while a nurse sat next to my dad because he was so angry, so scared he couldn't help or make it better. Many many people go through this sadly, but until you see it first hand you can't explain it. To be honest I still cant, I always thought my mum was my strength but I now realise she gave me the strength to be who I am. A priceless gift, no need for a receipt, the nurse turned to my parents and said your daughter is amazing, she's got the strength, attitude and love to get you through this, there is a lot of love in this room. I looked to the window and wondered who she was speaking of, it can't be me. I feel as scared as a girl on her first day, at school with itchy new knickers. Somehow I find this power in me, stronger than the powers of grey skull to make me grip my parents hands and tell them, I am here and we will get through this and whatever you feel is normal, its a process, a journey and I'm here all the way.




I just re read my blurb, I sound like a misery, I'm not, If you met me in the street you'd think she's a happy soul. Yes, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I've got health problems of my own but I'm not unhappy, I'm sad, sad to my core sometimes, rarely, but as my wonderful mum says worse things happen to other people. I'm blessed, I have wonderful precious people around me in RL and on twitter; Lotty is a lucky lady indeed, that sounds perverse almost but I am. I'm been very very low these past few days because I have felt physically weak, but I can feel the strength coming back slowly like an outsider in the grand national.

Tomorrow is another day, just a normal weekend, I'm off to work, you'll all be getting up with the kids, be hungover, wishing for sunshine or doing a 'big shop.' All the ordinary wonderful things that's make life extraordinary. Whatever it is, however mundane ...do it with a smile please, it's lottys orders and if you don't? Well, you know what will happen, I will invite you all to dinner and let you experience my cooking first hand, then you'll be sorry!

Thanks for reading kids. You know I love you, but just that little bit more now xxxxxx

What A Difference A Day Makes

Well, today was the day that was, it was like winning the lottery without even buying a ticket ....we met our daughter. I have to say it again, our daughter, my daughter, I have a daughter. Please slap me, is this real? No go on pinch me, get the haddock and chuck it around me chops because Im beaming like an idiot, even now!

I've always wanted a daughter from being a little girl and now I'm lucky enough to have a daughter AND a son. Fuck me I'm welling up now. When I was I'm my 20s I was diagnosed with PCOS, my world fell apart, I grieved for what I thought was my god given right to have babies and looked forward to having a donkey sanctuary and a sleeping with a zillion cats. Look at me now, who'd have thought it Charlotte the northern arty bird, two kids, hubby a dog and a cat. Jesus it's bloody text book, well not quite I've never been normal, never intend to be. Adopting our children has been a long bumpy road, I have the bruises to prove it and everyone is worth it's painful scar.

We pulled up outside the foster caters house today and a little girl in a pink spotty dress greeted us with a smile, a beaming smile, one that will break hearts one day and a lil glint of mischief in her eye; without doubt I thought, that's my baby girl.
After a short while, she was running up to me, cuddling and kissing me, my heart beamed like the first sunshine of spring and I knew I was perfectly matched like a Laura Ashley window display. All my dreams were now complete and we are a four, I never thought I'd marry, let alone have children. I have and never have had any expectations of my life; that sounds sad doesn't it, it's really not, I always been easily pleased, if I was happy and had people around me who loved me who I could love and care for then I am a happy bunny. I feel like all the wonderful things that have happened to me in my life have been by default and today was the biggest shocker of all because blow me down with a hamsters sneeze I met my mini me.

I'm living proof dreams do come true and even when you think something will never ever happen, you turn a corner and everything looks familiar and you feel strangely at home in a new environment. I left the foster carers today with a beaming smile, I still have it, in light of my terrible year that has passed with my mum being terminally ill and in light of the darkness there is yet to come; my little forever night light of love is in the form of my baby girl.

I'm blessed not only to have children but for my secret dreams to come true, it doesn't matter what they are, have a dream because you might just wake up and realise it come true and your heart will feel like it's going to pop out your chest like in the alien film but without the goo, like mine does right now. Just a little tip though if you do feel like this, please make sure your not having a coronary as I can't be held responsible for any unfortunate incidents of dreaming by proxy.

Few do, but some of you know what a journey this has been, the highs and lows have been more stressful than anything I've ever known but we did it we're here. Over the next six days we see her every day, learn her routine, she comes to our house, she meets my son, we take her out, try not to drop her and remember to feed her and change her nappy. On day 7, golden day 7 it's placement day. She comes home, comes home to stay, I start to go loopy through sleep deprivation, my son gets furiously jealous, we live off ready meals, I fight with my husband over stupid things because of extreme tiredness, I forget to wash my face, barely remember my name and am only capable of holding a conversation with anyone under 5 years old. It sounds bloody brilliant doesn't it...bring it on life, I'm ready for ya and I will soak up every moment in my skin and soul and remember you forever.

Here's to my wee baby and the memories I can share with the people I love that will last a lifetime that I couldn't have dreamed of in my wildest dreams.

Thanks for reading kids xxxxx