Painted Words 1

Something you should know about me as an artist which none of you will and which is the most precious personal thing I own, is when I do get the chance to draw or paint my mind goes onto the paper. I hide me in there, hidden amongst the layers, my thoughts and feelings so people can peek at them, make there conclusions but only I really know what it means; to them it's just a picture that doesn't look like a face or a vase but for Lotty it's a part of me. I just wrote this, I've never done anything like it before with words, only a pencil or a brush.


These are my painted words;



It's only when it's gone you realise what you missed.

A forever chilling breath that surrounds you like the sky around a cloud.

When you held it for a precious moment, you were yourself as you were meant to be all along.

The shapes changed and they merged like the silky sharp damp reflection of sunrise on water.

The picture became clearer as eye lashes parted and the day bleached upon skin.

Then serenity formed with the beauty of a new born and fresh beginnings arose like never before, like everything was meant to be as it is.

A path taken with eyes closed as tight as locked door, a perfect path that lead to a beautiful bright beginning of a journey with no words.

A perfect bumpy road trip with laughter lines and bruises to share.

A truly precious life to lead and lead it well I will do.



xxx

I'll pick it up at the post office

This morning I thought my heart was actually going to break, it's been shattered a couple of times in the past by some rather first class knob blokes when I was a single gal but this was different. I could feeI it aching, a different kind of ache completely out of the blue. I was in the kitchen being a mummy, iPod was on shuffle and a song came on about someone that had died. It got me hook, line and sinker, no warning; tears streamed from my eyes like a toddler peeing all over the carpet when your trying to potty train.
I stood looking out the window and thought how can I possibly be grieving for mum she's still here, I guess it a process and I've never been through anything like this before. I know thousands sadly do but Lotty hasn't, I always come back to the fact that it's not actually me going through it its mum; so buck Lotty and get on with it.

For those of you that don't know, my mum was diagnosed with in-operable terminal cancer last year and I'm her and my dads full time carer. I was thinking today since all this started about last October I've been pretty strong. She's been really rough recently, rougher than I've let on to be honest; the worst yet and it's given me a taster of vile things to come. The point is I've been strong for others, I'm still doing that and I'll still slap on a smile when I walk out the front door or pick up the phone to speak mum but as a some of you know I lost some of my strength recently....I think it got chucked out by mistake and went to the same place all the odd socks go. I know it will come back I'm just waiting for the postman to put a red card through the door and I'll collect it at the weekend.

I'm surprised I'm not coping as well as I was, it sounds silly doesn't it, yes I'm allowed not to cope it's a fucking living nightmare stuff this and it's been a rough few months for me with my miscarriage and all. But I'm just not used to feeling so mentally weak, I'm not used to involuntarily bursting into tears like the brat in the sweet shop being told no. So it seems I am human after all folks, this fucking wonder woman outfit needs to go to the cleaners and have a good airing to get some powers back. I know I'll find it again we always do don't we, I'll be brave and get some help, I've never been afraid to ask for help I still ask old grannies to help me across busy roads so it's no different is it.

I hate to moan, I'm not a moaner and sorry if these words all jumbled resemble it, as you know I'm an optimist I can see a positive in sinking ship me. I'm not beat yet, I know there's worst to come but I know I'm strong and writing my blog, tweeting and the beautiful people around me help me every day.
Apologies for the erratic and sometimes sad timeline but as all my tweets, I just write what pops into my head and my heart it's a Lotty force even the power of grey skull would struggle to contend with.

Thanks for reading this waffle, I'll look forward to receiving my sympathy donkey in the post, I bet I'll be out; I'll pick it up at the post office when I get my strength back.

xxxxxxxx

A closed department store

Well poke me sideways with a whittle stick, I just had a flick through some of my blogs - geesh if I ain't banging on about cancer, I'm droning on about adoption or being ill! Why you lot read this is beyond me, the only thing I can think is that you're all sun readers or think Jeremy Kyle should host question time and Jeremy Clarkson is sexy.

Anyways what's this one about? I'm not sure yet, some blogs write themselves, Im doing this one. I want to talk about twitter again; as most of us do I have a love hate relationship with it,I nearly deleted my account the other week, I lost my twitter mojo. I found it again with a ten pence piece, a wire from my bra and a piece of lego in the bottom of the washing machine, I don't know who left it there but it got boiled on a 60 and it survived and came out a bit brighter and shinier I think.

Twitter simply allows me to say and express things I was only ever allowed to think in my own head before. As it does for everyone one, it's a daily outlet of emotions and thoughts that give an impression to people what kind of person we are.
I'm basically your average frog hating, piss head who kitchen dances a lot and moans way too much about shit; all normal, move along please nothing to see here.

What I find the most intriguing about twitter is it's allure and its power, I'm not talking about twitter crushes, geesh we all have them (I'm still saving my twitter cherry for that @Twitflups by the way) I mean the power it has over our minds....because that's what twitter is about isn't it, people minds...how they work. How much they give away or how much they choose to hold back. A little like a woman that wears the top that doesn't show any puppies but just gives ya lil hint to let you know they're there.
I love it, I love the different people and the different styles they tweet in, so reflective of meeting different people in life. You can dip in and out, be fucked off, be happy and not give a shit; a place to do what you like. I feel a bit like I'm in a department store sometimes and I'm only one there and I can be as silly as I want, try all the make up or just snooze on the beds.
Thats it for me and for everyone I know, our tweets reflect our mood; I have a zillion moods a day because of everything that's happening in my life at the moment; but even when I want to be quiet and curl up on the that extra springy bed alone I still sit on twitter. I care so much about a lot of people on there and if I haven't heard from them in a day or two I'm texting them. This is a happy by product of my stumblings on twitter, friends that have crossed the line from the closed to the open department store and I will always be truly blessed for those people in my life so thank you.

In real life you can meet people and we all have, that have an effect on you for a life time, a teacher,a friend or a colleague etc. For me twitter is no different, however much I love to hate it, it's made my eyes open and my heart cry and smile all at the same time, I'm blown away daily by peoples kindness so thank you beautiful people. Here's to more donkey loving tweets, kitchen dancing a go go, drunken waffle and friendships.

Now piss off, I need to trawl through a load of shit in my TL, geesh you lot talk crap.

Xxxxxx



For Lilly - A blessing in my life, thank you. Just keep being you. xxxx

Lucky hedgehog Lotty

My mum has always said life's like a road trip and when the big things happen it's a cross roads to choose which route to take. She always was wise old mare, bloody annoying when your 15, life changing when your grown up. Funny being grown up isn't it, I don't believe any of us are really, we just play at this grown up malarkey and some of us hide it more than others. Being a child is endearing, beautifully naive and simplistic if only we knew how fab it it's at the time eh.
My nana always said "if I knew then what I know now" I remember hearing this as a little girl and thinking....go on then nan finish the sentence. Growing older I understood exactly what she was saying and there isn't an ending, the sentence says it all.

I'm rambling about this because my mum and my nana are two very strong women that's have made a huge impact on me, maybe more than I realise in two very different ways; also its mothers day...geesh Lotty a topical blog? Whatever next cleans pants on a Monday? Nah, that'll never happen, I'll never be that grown up!

Most of you know (and if you don't you must have been living in fragil rock for the past few weeks as I've blurted enough about it enough on twitter, sorry about that) that I recently had a complicated miscarriage (not thats theres a simple version) and I also didn't know I could even have kids so it was a double whammy. Bit of a shocker to say the least, it was easier for me though, I didn't have a room ready or a tummy to rub and enjoy (well yeah alright the tummy was there but you know what I mean) I just had contractions for three weeks. Not the nicest I must say, there's definitely something more to be said for adoption than them bad boys. Yeah today is a bit tough because of that and yes all I can think that's bounding towards the front of my mind like an Andrew puppy is this could be my last with my mum. But as Christmas was, it's not the last it's the best.

I really never thought I would be a mummy and now I have two angels....I still can't believe it, those of you that read my blog in an attempt for a good nights sleep will know I'm honoured to have my adopted children in my life.
I haven't talked about this on twitter because I think I moan too much on there anyway, but our little girl has been struggling to settle with us; it's been incredibly tough I can't tell you. We thought our son would be the one the to react, but no, she was, she's basically been screaming for weeks whenever her brother is around because all she's known is one to one. I don't just mean screaming, I mean shatter glass and deafen small animals screaming. This week though, although tough I broke the screaming cycle, at one point I could actually hear supernanny dialling the job centre so I must be doing something right.

So it's a bit of a mixed bag today, I'm not dwelling on anything, none of it. Yes it will be tough when I go to mums but I'll be strong and I'll see the pleasure my children give to her and the love in her eyes and realise just how blessed I am. I said to a beautiful friend in the week there's always someone worse off than you and it's true it doesn't negate from how sad or crap something is but it's a good way to clear the mist sometimes.

When I found out I was miscarrying I just blurted it out on twitter, I regretted this instantly and thought Christ how awful for you lot to read this, I didn't want to make any of you feel awkward or be reading doom and gloom.No one wakes up in a morning and goes.....oooh yeah let's check that twitter place so I can go and get depressed. But as always twitter you proved me wrong and my initial regret was washed away like pubes down the plug hole.
You showed me love and kindness and you actually helped me through it, I'd never been in hospital as an adult, it's like some weird really bad boarding school dormitory with assisted care and very strong painkillers. You were all there when I needed you the most, late at night when I was scared so thank you, you know who you are.
I don't really believe in fate or Karma and all that bullshit but sometimes when bad things happen and a good thing happens right after; it gives you the strength to get up and face the world, to see the world more clearly in fact. When this happens purely by accident it's even more beautiful, more powerful and more special and my heart warms just thinking about it. Despite all the crap in my life I see I'm a very lucky lady, very lucky indeed probably as lucky as hedgehog that managed to cross the road safely without a lollypop lady.

So thank you again, for reading this drivel and for helping me through life, it's a slippery slimy beggar but it ain't half brilliant. I'm off now to get my flowers and get snotty kisses of my kids. Love being a mum, a gift more precious than kerplunk, well almost ;)

Xxxxxx.

Chocolate Cake

My eyes would close but my brain wouldn't stop working so I wrote this and just put it on Google+

Now I remember why I couldn't sleep;



Today I made a chocolate cake......I don't really like chocolate cake. I had an urge, a necessity, it was an unexplainable motherly nesting instinct I thought to myself as my toddler clattered about with the cake tins.

Why am I wanting to nest? I breathed out some air and thought irony; hello. There's an un-grown baby inside me right now that's not meant to be there. I have my precious adopted babies ringing in my ears everyday. I didn't know my body made babies. I only knew when the pain came and I saw it on the scanning screen in the hospital while I laid there alone pretending to be a grown up and all I really wanted was my mum.

Natures weird isn't it, I don't miss this baby or kidney shaped thing I saw on the screen but I know it's there and every little pain and tired feeling I get will keep reminding me until it's gone.

Until then I'll keep making the cakes I don't eat.




For you, the little thing inside me. Whatever you could have been, it wasn't right you grew; but I love you a bit anyway. xxx

Bad Boy

It's eight sleeps since my baby girl came to live under our roof, since I woke in the middle of the night imagining I could here her cries. After the third night she didn't cry, I'm blessed; blessed doesn't cover it really, if the pope were to touch me and say Lotty I'll give you three wishes (because that what he does doesn't he?) I'd say it's ok thanks I think I'm sorted.
Well maybe one; make it so my mum doesn't have terminal cancer please (and monster munch are good for you) But thats not an option is it, the bad boy is here to stay and as I learnt a while ago it not about the cancer it's about the life. It sounds such a cliche when your not going through it but the it's a life plan when you are, believe me. It's not about doing all the things you always wanted too, it's about enjoying the simple things, the things that cost nothing, the children's smiles, the hugs, laughing at the inappropriate farts in public, the moment you hug the person you love in a millisecond and you feel instant comfort while you can still hold them in your arms because whenever it is you know they will be gone forever. It sounds so fucking dramatic doesn't it, but my mum held me tonight before I came home, it was a real mum hug, a hug that said it ok, it's really ok Charlotte, when we know it isn't, but you really really believe it for that one moment and it's perfect.

I sat on the floor in a hospice today, holding my mum and dads hand while they both cried their hearts out and shared there deepest fears while a nurse sat next to my dad because he was so angry, so scared he couldn't help or make it better. Many many people go through this sadly, but until you see it first hand you can't explain it. To be honest I still cant, I always thought my mum was my strength but I now realise she gave me the strength to be who I am. A priceless gift, no need for a receipt, the nurse turned to my parents and said your daughter is amazing, she's got the strength, attitude and love to get you through this, there is a lot of love in this room. I looked to the window and wondered who she was speaking of, it can't be me. I feel as scared as a girl on her first day, at school with itchy new knickers. Somehow I find this power in me, stronger than the powers of grey skull to make me grip my parents hands and tell them, I am here and we will get through this and whatever you feel is normal, its a process, a journey and I'm here all the way.




I just re read my blurb, I sound like a misery, I'm not, If you met me in the street you'd think she's a happy soul. Yes, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I've got health problems of my own but I'm not unhappy, I'm sad, sad to my core sometimes, rarely, but as my wonderful mum says worse things happen to other people. I'm blessed, I have wonderful precious people around me in RL and on twitter; Lotty is a lucky lady indeed, that sounds perverse almost but I am. I'm been very very low these past few days because I have felt physically weak, but I can feel the strength coming back slowly like an outsider in the grand national.

Tomorrow is another day, just a normal weekend, I'm off to work, you'll all be getting up with the kids, be hungover, wishing for sunshine or doing a 'big shop.' All the ordinary wonderful things that's make life extraordinary. Whatever it is, however mundane ...do it with a smile please, it's lottys orders and if you don't? Well, you know what will happen, I will invite you all to dinner and let you experience my cooking first hand, then you'll be sorry!

Thanks for reading kids. You know I love you, but just that little bit more now xxxxxx

What A Difference A Day Makes

Well, today was the day that was, it was like winning the lottery without even buying a ticket ....we met our daughter. I have to say it again, our daughter, my daughter, I have a daughter. Please slap me, is this real? No go on pinch me, get the haddock and chuck it around me chops because Im beaming like an idiot, even now!

I've always wanted a daughter from being a little girl and now I'm lucky enough to have a daughter AND a son. Fuck me I'm welling up now. When I was I'm my 20s I was diagnosed with PCOS, my world fell apart, I grieved for what I thought was my god given right to have babies and looked forward to having a donkey sanctuary and a sleeping with a zillion cats. Look at me now, who'd have thought it Charlotte the northern arty bird, two kids, hubby a dog and a cat. Jesus it's bloody text book, well not quite I've never been normal, never intend to be. Adopting our children has been a long bumpy road, I have the bruises to prove it and everyone is worth it's painful scar.

We pulled up outside the foster caters house today and a little girl in a pink spotty dress greeted us with a smile, a beaming smile, one that will break hearts one day and a lil glint of mischief in her eye; without doubt I thought, that's my baby girl.
After a short while, she was running up to me, cuddling and kissing me, my heart beamed like the first sunshine of spring and I knew I was perfectly matched like a Laura Ashley window display. All my dreams were now complete and we are a four, I never thought I'd marry, let alone have children. I have and never have had any expectations of my life; that sounds sad doesn't it, it's really not, I always been easily pleased, if I was happy and had people around me who loved me who I could love and care for then I am a happy bunny. I feel like all the wonderful things that have happened to me in my life have been by default and today was the biggest shocker of all because blow me down with a hamsters sneeze I met my mini me.

I'm living proof dreams do come true and even when you think something will never ever happen, you turn a corner and everything looks familiar and you feel strangely at home in a new environment. I left the foster carers today with a beaming smile, I still have it, in light of my terrible year that has passed with my mum being terminally ill and in light of the darkness there is yet to come; my little forever night light of love is in the form of my baby girl.

I'm blessed not only to have children but for my secret dreams to come true, it doesn't matter what they are, have a dream because you might just wake up and realise it come true and your heart will feel like it's going to pop out your chest like in the alien film but without the goo, like mine does right now. Just a little tip though if you do feel like this, please make sure your not having a coronary as I can't be held responsible for any unfortunate incidents of dreaming by proxy.

Few do, but some of you know what a journey this has been, the highs and lows have been more stressful than anything I've ever known but we did it we're here. Over the next six days we see her every day, learn her routine, she comes to our house, she meets my son, we take her out, try not to drop her and remember to feed her and change her nappy. On day 7, golden day 7 it's placement day. She comes home, comes home to stay, I start to go loopy through sleep deprivation, my son gets furiously jealous, we live off ready meals, I fight with my husband over stupid things because of extreme tiredness, I forget to wash my face, barely remember my name and am only capable of holding a conversation with anyone under 5 years old. It sounds bloody brilliant doesn't it...bring it on life, I'm ready for ya and I will soak up every moment in my skin and soul and remember you forever.

Here's to my wee baby and the memories I can share with the people I love that will last a lifetime that I couldn't have dreamed of in my wildest dreams.

Thanks for reading kids xxxxx