Dog Shit and Dandelions

I can't sleep, it's 1.15am and I found myself writing this. My mind is awash and on ultra spin with a million things; my work, mum dying, the kids, this weekend and my life generally. My husband is lying next to me snoring his head off, I want to poke him in the ribs and say excuse me, do you realise exactly how lucky you are to be able to just fall asleep like that when your head hits the pillow. I'd actually kill someone for that, preferably Noel Edmonds if I could choose.

A good friend asked how I was earlier, I said I was ok and I was doing one day at a time and yes he was right this is all good. To be honest its all I can do, I was never one for planning anyway, never one for huge ambitions I just wanted to be happy and for those around me that I love to be the same.
I like to take each day as it comes but when your unsure what each one will bring, all you want is the normality of being able to plan something more than a week ahead. I think it's called living the grass is greener way, it's a bit bollox actually and rather new for Lotty, anyway I bet the grass is covered in dog shit and dandelions anyway.

So what's keeping me awake? Unknown work resolutions mainly (but they will eventually get sorted I know) but also this weekend. Its a biggie, I'm excited as a child but I'm also drenched in uncertainty of how I will feel and how emotionally stable I will be from Friday to Monday.
Me, my husband and the kids are taking my mum, dad and grandmother away to the beach for the weekend. What the fucks up with Lotty I hear you cry, has she finally lost the plot so much even google earth says no results found.
Well there's a reason, there always is with me, it's not just any old place or any old weekend away; for the past roughly 12 years my parents have taken there parents to this small seaside treasure, I went there as a child and so did my parents. I always tagged along when mum and dad took nana and grandad and I've gone from being a graduate, young free and single, to it being the holiday my husband to be, drove 3hrs to tell me he loved me for the first time. To a place we went too after grandad had died and we all cried buckets and spades and then ate prawns and giggled about the good times. It's also a place where I held my first child's hand and walked on the beach just as I did when my feet were as small as his and looked into my parents eyes and saw pure love, deep love and happiness just as there parents did with them, breathing the same sea breeze and wiggling the same sand between their toes.

They weren't going to go this year, my Nan's in a wheelchair and mum and dad can't watch Jeremy Kyle without needing a rest. However, not letting a little thing like that stop me, I offered for us to take them. Sounds stupid to say I'm a bit scared but I am , scared of lots of things but ultimately knowing this will probably be that last time we all go there together; thats scary even writing it so I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when I'm there.
I know one thing, more certain than the fact I'll be knackered tomorrow and probably send my boy to school in my pants; I know it will be the best holiday yet. Both my children will be there for the first time, we will all go on the beach, someone will need a wee when they're aren't any loos. My mum and dad will row, the kids will get tired and grumpy, my nana will fart in public, I will shout at my husband for being a prick about parking, we will all eat fish and chips and then moan about how full we are. I will go for an early morning walk on the beach and paddle in the icy water and probably get a cold. I'll play cards with nana, she will forget the game half way through, mum will sit on the sofa reading magazines and watching tv while we're all cabined up at night and Dad will sit crunching sweets annoying the feck out of us all. Do you know what? Sounds fucking brilliant to me, I just hope I have the emotional strength to get through it and grab those moments, take my mums hand while she smiles at my children paddling in the sea and remember it all forever.

I'll be ok I'm tougher than a mule wearing a donkey jacket, I'll lap it up, I might cry when I'm on my own but the happy times and memories will dry out any tears and last forever in the sea breeze.

I must go and try and get a little sleep because if I send my son to school in my thong tomorrow social services will be banging on my door quicker than you can say deck chair.

Night night, thanks for reading kids.

XXXXXX

Ketchup and Lollies

It's about 5am, I've been awake since three as my knackered old neck and back decided to wake me along with my busy mind, tapping at my brain like a dripping tap with an incontinence problem.I love this time of day, the early morning sounds the silence, the birds singing and daylight playing peepo with the clouds.

Yesterday was special, very special it was my only sons 5th birthday and for those of you that have been living on button moon since Lotty joined Twitter my children are adopted. I forget they are adopted, they feel like mine, they are mine but it's strange although it's something I will never experience I feel like I gave birth to them. What's also slightly odd is it's only at special times I remember they are adopted because I always think about the birth parents and what could have been if he didn't end up with us. Without boring you with nicotine and caffeine induced early morning ramblings, my son was born a drug addict, his birth mother was an addict. Its strange people reactions are always of disgust when they hear that, not mine just empathy and despite my son having a visual impairment because of it I still think about her on days like yesterday because I know she would have been thinking about him.

Days like yesterday are more poignant because of my mums terminal cancer, it could have been the last time she shares a birthday with my son so it was extra special for many reasons, although strangely it was a cancer free day yesterday; a precious rarity like a Mary Poppins bag. None of us thought about it, we all just soaked up every giggle, every bounce on the castle, every pass in pass the parcel and every smile that beamed from my sons lips and let that beautiful priceless feeling soak into us forever.
I text my mum yesterday asking her to bring emergency lollies and ketchup, like you do, she text back saying got both (because grannies always have lollies and ketchup) she said your doing a great job, I replied that I'd learnt from the best and It's true, my parents were born to be parents. Some people just are aren't they, I had an amazing childhood and I really believe that it's every child's god given right too.

Despite being up at stupid o'clock I'm still glowing inside from yesterday, a precious birthday thats now gone. I know my son will remember when he's older and I know I will look at the pictures when I'm grey and prune like and remember it fondly and smile like it was actually yesterday. Sometimes life gives you shit doesn't it and to be honest I've had rather a lot of it of late but then life gives you something precious that you can't buy or bottle or even get on eBay and you smile, a real earthy smile and you remember how amazing life can actually be and those moments help carry you for the next load of hurdles. It's amazing what some jelly and ice cream and a monster truck can do eh.

Here's to many more bounces on the castle, more smiles in people eyes of those I love and lifetime of precious memories that will outlive us all.

Thanks for reading kids.

xxx

Painted Words 1

Something you should know about me as an artist which none of you will and which is the most precious personal thing I own, is when I do get the chance to draw or paint my mind goes onto the paper. I hide me in there, hidden amongst the layers, my thoughts and feelings so people can peek at them, make there conclusions but only I really know what it means; to them it's just a picture that doesn't look like a face or a vase but for Lotty it's a part of me. I just wrote this, I've never done anything like it before with words, only a pencil or a brush.


These are my painted words;



It's only when it's gone you realise what you missed.

A forever chilling breath that surrounds you like the sky around a cloud.

When you held it for a precious moment, you were yourself as you were meant to be all along.

The shapes changed and they merged like the silky sharp damp reflection of sunrise on water.

The picture became clearer as eye lashes parted and the day bleached upon skin.

Then serenity formed with the beauty of a new born and fresh beginnings arose like never before, like everything was meant to be as it is.

A path taken with eyes closed as tight as locked door, a perfect path that lead to a beautiful bright beginning of a journey with no words.

A perfect bumpy road trip with laughter lines and bruises to share.

A truly precious life to lead and lead it well I will do.



xxx